Since I’ve been here in America this year for the Christmas season, I feel like a holiday sponge, trying to soak in as much of the Christmas spirit as possible. I want to feel as much anticipation as I can! From cutting down a tree, to playing Christmas carols for hours at a time, I’ve done everything short of participating in a live nativity scene in order to get into the Christmas spirit. And for the first time in years, it feels like Christmas.

It makes me wonder what would happen if I lived all of my life like this. What would result from living in a constant state of anticipating something great? I think that it would have to depend on what I believed God is capable of. Do I truly believe that He is doing something in my life that is worthy of anticipation and that He’s leading me somewhere that I want to go?

Recently I was thinking back to when I first signed up with Campus Target and was in Asia for the first time. It was an exciting season of my life, filled with anticipation about what might result from the decision I had made to go. Leading up to that point, I had been discovering for the first time in my Christian life the depth of God’s love for me, and so I went into that experience with a willingness to do whatever He asked of me, no matter how extreme or out of my comfort zone it was. After a lifetime of straddling the fence, I finally whole heartedly surrendered to His will. And the natural outcome of that was anticipation; I knew that I could trust Him, and I knew that He was good. Therefore, the road ahead was worth anticipating. And for the first time, I felt truly alive.

Part of the joy that comes from knowing Him is discovering how good He really is. It’s not until you know deep down in your heart how much He loves you that you start to anticipate His plans for your life, and in turn begin to truly live.

It makes me extra thankful this Christmas to think that the only reason I can know Him the way that I do, and the only reason I have hope and anticipation for the road ahead, is because of the King that was born in the manger, who would be the Savior of the world.

I hope that your Christmas is filled with peace & joy as you remember why we have lives worth anticipating.

Recently I tackled my first big home project; painting the bathroom. When we moved in the bathroom walls were the color of unhealthy urine; dark, cloudy looking yellow. So we went to Lowe’s, picked out some new paint, and bought some supplies. I put on an old pair of jeans and got started. I began putting the painter’s tape around the trim and found it invigorating. I started painting around the edges, dripping paint all over my hands and in the bathtub, but I was still energized! And as I started using the roller, it was almost intoxicating. I lost track of time and worked through lunch and the entire afternoon without even noticing! Even when I knocked the paint tray over and spilled half a quart of paint down the sink, I was still loving life. Later, after finishing, I was literally watching the paint dry on the walls, soaking in the feeling of accomplishment.

In one day I had set out to do a task and completed it. With my own two hands, the yellow walls were now gray. The results of my labor were visible, right on the walls in front of me. It made me think about how life is not always that simple. I can’t count how many times my efforts to “fix” the world around me have resulted in unmet expectations and lack the sense of accomplishment that I had hoped for.

Honestly, it makes me feel frustrated sometimes. My striving seems in vain and my hard work fruitless. It makes me wonder what God is thinking, knowing that He has a plan and purpose, and yet results don’t seem to register to me as accomplishment. My tendency is to question what it is I’m working towards or what difference I’m making when things in this world seem to be business as usual.

But I was reading the other day about when King David turned the kingdom of Israel over to his son, Solomon. If that isn’t an overwhelmingly large role to fill, I don’t know what is. Solomon was young and inexperienced, his only qualification being that God Himself chose him, and he had just been placed in charge of a nation as numerous as the dust of the earth. But David’s charge to his son was simple; to know the God of his father, and to serve Him whole heartedly and with a willing mind.

I think what he was saying was that when you give yourself wholly and completely to God, and you live out your days only seeking to do His will, that is the true accomplishment. In that case, when your satisfaction comes from knowing that you’re doing God’s will, then you will always be fulfilled if you’re given totally to Him. Loving Him and following His call becomes the purpose of your life rather than striving to fix things that are beyond your power to change. So as a Christian, it isn’t that I give my life to Him in exchange for tangible results. It isn’t about what I can accomplish at all. He desires simply that I would earnestly seek Him, willingly trust Him, and do these things persistently, having faith that He is sovereignly at work in all things. When the love of God is the result of all my actions, how could I go wrong? How could I waste a moment or do a single thing in vain?

It’s a humbling thought, and not one that comes naturally. But the more that I know Him, the more that I am willing trust His way over my own. And if I miss that tangible sense of accomplishment, there is always a poorly chosen color to be painted over.

My mom is somewhat of a theologian-philosopher, often hitting the mark on all the deep issues of life. Of course it’s taken me until the past 5 years to actually appreciate it, but now I can look back and see that its been the source of a lot of wisdom as I was growing up. And this saying of hers is one that will always ring true no matter how old I get. It’s so easy to look at what other people have or what they’ve achieved, and not take into consideration how they got there. Look at Moses. At first glance, you see a confident, powerful leader with a tremendous calling. He led God’s chosen people out of slavery. He spoke with God on a mountain top while everyone else was down in the camp worshiping a lame golden calf. His face literally shown with the glory of the Lord while all others were terrified of being so close to God’s presence. But a closer look at this incredible leader shows an insecure man who hid in the wilderness tending sheep. He had a speech impediment and had to rely on his brother, Aaron to talk for him. He had to put up with a whining, complaining and rebellious people, wandering the desert for forty years, only to die right before everyone else entered the Promised Land. The point is that behind every success story, there are years of sacrifices. There are countless hours of dedication. There are moments of despair and moments of surrender and obedience to the Lord.

When Joshua was taking over for Moses, replacing a monumental figure among the people of Israel, he was given one priority; obey God’s Law. Don’t turn to the left or to the right of it, and he would have great success wherever he went. He was to be strong and courageous, trusting that God’s promise was not empty. Bottom line; our lives are between us and God. There is no middle man and no room for comparison. If we’re willing to trust and obey, He desires to unfold a plan that is good and perfect. Sure, there’s always a price for obedience. Maybe it means facing insecurities. Maybe it means sacrificing a dream that’s always been held close to your heart. Maybe it means long and tiresome hours working towards something that seems impossible. Whatever it is, there is always His promise to fall back on. He doesn’t command us to a life of failure. Christ didn’t die to give us a life of mediocrity. Our lives are not going to all look alike. God loves us too much to make us all the same. But that’s why it all starts between us and Him. We’re never going to be who He’s created us to be and fulfill the destiny that He provided for us through the cross if we’re focused on what other people are doing.

So instead of comparing myself to all the people out there I might wish I could be, I’m going to look to Him – to find who He’s made me to be.

]]> http://www.campustarget.org/blogs/atlas/2011/07/inside-out/feed/ 0 http://www.campustarget.org/blogs/atlas/2011/03/the-best-imitation-of-myself/ http://www.campustarget.org/blogs/atlas/2011/03/the-best-imitation-of-myself/#comments Thu, 24 Mar 2011 16:00:43 +0000 Atlas http://www.campustarget.org/?p=3519 One of the greatest things about living in Asia is the complete disregard for copyright and trademark laws. I live in a place where I can buy movies for less than a dollar that people in America are paying $11 to see in the theater. I can buy a Rolex for $5, a Lacoste polo for $6, and a pair of Nikes for $7. Sure, they’re not real, despite what the guy selling them insists. And yeah, I know that buying products that are blatant counterfeits could technically be considered stealing. But that’s when my categorized sin list becomes useful. I’ve labeled this one as “not so bad” and “somewhat beneficial to the common man” for the following reasons: one, I’m not hurting anybody and Hollywood can afford to lose my $11. And two, I’m supporting the poor and hardworking people that are selling these fake but good quality products. According to my perfect judgment, it definitely falls into the lower end of the list. So if you see me over the summer and feel that I’m too well dressed and am too up to date with the entertainment world to be a poor missionary serving in Asia, don’t worry. I can assure you that I am in fact poor, and that I am definitely making some sacrifices to live in Asia. Just think of it as my benefits package. There are no Christmas bonuses or health insurance packages, but I get to live in a place where copyright infringement runs rampant.

I’ve been noticing lately that I’m not the only one that seems to categorize sin in an attempt to justify it. Whenever I try to explain mankind’s sin in comparison to God’s righteousness to friends, they usually manage to justify some aspect of their past sinful behavior. The most common; lying. This girl I met last weekend named Jane admitted to being a liar but said that they were “innocent” lies. Lies told to family or friends so that they wouldn’t worry. Or lies told to people so that they would feel better about themselves. I understood where she was coming from and know that it’s even something that is ingrained into the culture here. To be hospitable and maintain harmony is more important than honesty. People lie to their guests to make them feel welcome. They lie to others that offend them to save face and preserve their pride. They lie to their foreign friends about how their language skills are improving…it’s just what they do. But as much as this is common among all people, despite cultures or backgrounds, it’s still wrong. Sin is still sin, whether we see it as having any consequence or not. It doesn’t matter if we label it as big or small, it still makes God cringe and hurts Him deeply. All of it is still falling short of His righteousness and does not represent His character in us.

Knowing Him means becoming a part of Him. With our spiritual death comes a resurrection in Christ; a new identity hidden in Him. And God is not a liar or a thief. He is not an adulterer or a murderer. There is no wrong and no evil in Him. He is pure and holy, all that is righteous and good. He is perfect. In His essence, He is all that we know true beauty to be. And despite being made in His image, we fall very short of all that He is. His perfection falls on us like a ten ton weight. We can’t uphold it, and we can’t live according to it. Men tried for centuries and failed. Some still try and fail. But because of His love and passion for us, He made a way to become righteousness in us. What we are incapable of doing, God desires to do through us. But this is where so many stumble.

In my own pursuit to be more like Him, I’ve tried to undertake the impossible and imitate His perfection. I’ve taken what the Bible says and what others expect from “godly” people and made to do lists, or not to do lists. I use my own will power and self-control to manage my way around the bad and unforgivable sins while hoping that people won’t notice the “not so bad” ones. I’ve tried to self-control and self-discipline my way to Christ-like character, trying to manufacture for myself what can only be produced by Him. But what it’s created in me is a hard heart that lacks compassion and a judgmental mind towards those around me that are not quite as good at rule following, and it’s given me a false sense of independence from God’s grace. In a way, I feel that I’ve settled for something counterfeit and self-made. Rather than allowing His spirit in me to thrive, I’ve stifled the new life that Christ died to give me. Over time, I’ve compromised relationship for religion. In my zeal to be more like Him, I’ve only made the best version of my sinful human nature that I could. And I feel like the fake Rolex that the guy on the street sells out of a cardboard box.

I was never meant to simply imitate Him. It’s deeper than that. To look at Jesus’ life and attempt to re-create it is no different than reading the 10 Commandments and trying to follow each one perfectly. Jesus made a good visual aid, but He was still only modeling what is impossible for me to do. His real purpose wasn’t to be my role model; He was meant to be my savior. To do what I can’t. He took on all my sin and shame, all my failed attempts of perfection. Though He knew no sin, He became sin for me, so that in Him I could become the righteousness of God. Not through my own perseverance and determination, but by living through me. I can finally stop striving to be something that I’m not and allow Him to be all that He is through me. But with all that being said, I have yet to discover whether or not I can keep all my knock off products.

So last night the guys on my team decided to go back to the basics and have their first Guy’s Night. Unfortunately I missed most of it but got there right at the end. As people were leaving and I started to help clean up, I noticed a new guy that was lingering. His name is Vincent, and he said he wanted to talk. The four of us sat in the living room while he poured his heart out to us. He’s desperate. The girl he loves is in America studying at a law school. He’s stuck here unless he can get a scholarship and enough money to go be with her. The situation looks hopeless. He’s afraid that if too much time passes, he’ll lose her. She has so much potential, and he sees himself as nothing compared to her. But she’s a Christian and has told him that love is patient. And she told him that if he asks, God will help him.

As we talked about what it means to follow Jesus, I told Vincent that more than anything else, God wants his heart. Yes, He’s a powerful, amazing, and loving God that can rescue us from the impossible. But He’s also a Father that wants a reciprocal loving relationship with His children. For that to happen, He first needs to save us from ourselves. Until He removes the sin from our hearts, we remain unwashed, unjustified, and profane; separated from Him like the dark from the light.

Vincent knew what sin was because of a brilliant (meaning, it was my idea) demonstration that the guys did during the party. You take one dish and smear the inside with something dirty & repulsive but unnoticeable on the outside. Then, you take another smeared inside and out, and bam, you have mankind. All filthy & dirty despite some appearances. Unless, of course, Jesus washes you clean and makes you like new. It was enough to get the point across to Vincent, and he decided to put his faith & hope in Christ. With one prayer of repentance, he’s been washed, justified, and sanctified. He’s been made new and given a fresh start, just like countless others.

As excited as I am about Vincent and his new life, it only increased my awareness of a fatal flaw in my  world view; I’m nearly blind to this act of redemption. I sometimes look at people who are genuine new creations, and I still see the dirty dish. Deep in my heart, I believe people are still smeared from head to toe. Unless of course they can fall into the lower end of my categorized sin list: “not so bad,” “bad,” “unforgivable and unforgettable.” If you’re in the higher end of the spectrum, well then, I’m simply appalled by your sin and wish you the best of luck with your horribly rotten life. I will forever see you as marked by your past.

I seem to prefer the idea of white washed tombs or bowls that are clean on the outside but neglected on the inside as opposed to what Jesus actually  taught about repentance and redemption. I’m hard hearted, unforgiving, and self-righteous. On the plus side, I hear there are lots of opportunities for Pharisees nowadays and am updating my résumé.

But lets say I don’t make the cut. Maybe I’m not so good at strict adherence to countless laws and am more fond of grace than your typical Pharisee. What will I do then? Is there any way for God to pry open my calloused heart to allow some mercy in? Right now it seems like a more impossible situation than Vincent and his girlfriend. Maybe I need to go back to the basics, because the truth is that we all grieve God’s heart. He’s a Father that has to endure watching His children throw away all that He’s given them again and again. One who has to watch His creation turn away in selfish rebellion. And One who has to watch the self-righteous judge the ones that He’s forgiven and pronounced innocent. Yet from the beginning His love has never failed and never changed. In an act of unconditional love, He sent His only Son to endure His perfect judgment and wrath to restore hope in the hearts of us all. In light of that, maybe I’m better off leaving my résumé as is and just asking Him to soften my heart and renew my perspective.

It’s just that generally speaking, I’d say that the people here have very hard lives. This culture seems to be marked by inconvenience and discomfort. The average person works long hours all week and doesn’t seem to have much of a break, even on the weekends, which is unlike America where it’s almost a crime if a business is open on Sundays. Except for the wealthy areas, most of the apartments and houses I’ve seen would be considered barely livable by the average American’s standard. I could probably make a list of things that make life difficult & hard here for the average citizen that would fill up your email in-box. So I don’t understand how these people can persevere in those conditions all year long, only to take a two week vacation to blow stuff up and eat too much food. Is it really that rewarding and fulfilling? Even though I don’t necessarily understand or appreciate their holiday and the way they celebrate, I can’t help but admire their perseverance.

 I was reading Philippians the other day and couldn’t help but wonder how Paul made it through each day. His life is notorious for suffering, and I highly doubt he was able to work the standard 9-5 with weekends free. But he was always rejoicing and always giving thanks; he seemed to be the poster boy for perseverance. Considering all he had once gained as loss compared to knowing Christ, he definitely had a perspective on life that I easily lose sight of. As I read his letter through a second time, I realized  that Paul had gone so far in removing himself from this world that he considered himself a citizen of heaven rather than of earth. His entire life had become about looking forward and not behind; of preparing himself and others for eternity. He was looking forward to something greater than fireworks, food, and liquor. For him, the end was worth any discomfort, inconvenience, obstacle, or sacrifice. He had truly been set free in Christ.

In Paul’s life, his perseverance was driven by a desire to reach the end. For all of us it’s the same; if what’s at the end doesn’t amount to much, then no one is going to endure the journey to get there, right? And there’s no question that life is a hard journey. The weight of it can seem overwhelming at times and only compounds with age. It’s always an option to be overcome by present reality and forget that of eternity. But a wise man once said that you will live in the reality that you’re most aware of. Paul chose to look to eternity, where for those in Christ,  the end is no longer destruction, the god no longer your stomach. Where there is no glory in shame but only in the perfect righteousness that is freely given. Thinking of that makes me grateful  that there’s more to life than 40 hour work weeks, holiday binge eating, and recreational dynamite.

PS- since the original writing of this, I’ve ceased to hear Dinner the Rooster…may he rest in peace.

Here in Asia, when people are learning English, they get to pick an English name. You hear a lot of the standard names – Steven, John, James. But you also hear some that really stand out. Like my friend Table for instance. I have to say that was a first for me; I’ve never met a Table before. But it’s easy to remember, makes me laugh when I hear it, and if you meet him it just seems to fit somehow. So overall it’s a pretty solid and sturdy name…(get it?).

I met Table at the new campus and have gotten to hang out with him a few times now. His English isn’t that great, but that just makes our conversations even funnier. The other day he told me that, after he plays sports, he likes to eat corn (meaning, after he plays sports, he likes to drink cola). And he was also telling me that he’s studied the Bible in his English class. I was fascinated by the idea that a college English class here would actually be reading that book. He was telling me some of the stories he’d read. He told me what he could remember with his limited vocabulary, and I filled in the gaps with what I knew. Something about a girl that lived in a garden that was curious about an apple, a man that lived in a big boat, and another man that led a group of people through water that had separated.  But then he started asking me about Greek mythology and other cultures’ legends, and I realized that his English class was reading the Bible as if it were The Odyssey or The Iliad. To him it was just another piece of literature or classic mythology. He didn’t realize it was so much more; it’s actually the greatest love story ever written.

 As you flip through its pages you see the story unfolding, the story of a people turning in rebellion from their Maker to the idols in their hearts.  And you see the Creator, who has the heart of a Father, desperately trying to recapture the love of His people. Despite His perfect righteousness and judgment, He withholds His wrath and starts laying out His plan of redemption, because He can’t bear the thought of being separated from the ones He loves. Years in advance He declares that He will exchange their hearts of stone with ones of flesh, undivided and one with His spirit. Because they’re too weak and helpless on their own, He will give them grace to walk in step with Him. He’ll carry for them what they’re too weak to bear themselves. They’ll no longer live self destructively but will thrive, having a new purpose and new identity. They will be set free, transformed from slaves into sons & daughters. They will belong to Him, and He to them. Nothing will ever again keep them apart.

There’s no greater story and no greater love. Throughout, it speaks for itself of infinite love, patience, grace, and mercy. Even reading about His righteous anger, wrath & judgment only increases the depth of His grace & forgiveness. The fact that He poured all of that out on His Son in our place will leave the reader speechless. And to see His generosity in the way that He gave His Spirit of adoption & sonship to the very ones that struggled for independence from Him is incomprehensible for anyone. But that’s the story, and it can be our story.

I met Sunny through my roommates who have gotten to know him pretty well and have been studying the Bible with him. I sat in with them a few weeks ago and was impressed by his desire to learn & understand more. But because his English isn’t that great, it’s hard to know how much he’s really comprehending. Last week though, I heard about how his PSP was stolen, but when he caught the guy who took it he gave the credit to God. So he’s already developing a sense of God’s character & His justice, which is something that people seem to have been struggling with from the beginning.

I read Job for the first time a few weeks ago. At least 50% of the book is Job complaining in his suffering and accusing God of an injustice. He was stubbornly clinging to his innocence and didn’t understand why God was out to get him. And then about 45% of the book is Job’s friends condemning him, telling him to repent so that his life would get better. Finally, after 37 chapters of Job & his buddies trying to explain God, He speaks for Himself, and it turns out that He’s not unjust.

Everything under heaven belongs to Him. So who are we that God would be in our debt? Can we cause every living thing to obey our command? Can we adorn ourselves with a glory & splendor that would equal His? And we don’t even have sovereign control over our own destinies, let alone all eternity. So how can we condemn Him of injustice in our sufferings? The point of Job’s trial wasn’t really about him at all. It was about God’s sovereignty and Him being glorified in that. It’s always about His purposes & plans, which come from a place of infinite wisdom and perfect love.

Jesus perfectly modeled this concept in His life. When Jesus talked of His upcoming death, John wrote that His heart was troubled; He knew the suffering that He was going to have to endure. But He asked His followers what choice He had in the matter. Could He actually ask His Father to save Him from the hour that had come? His only conclusion was that He couldn’t. He was born to die. His life wasn’t meant for Him but so that His Father could be glorified and the world redeemed. To this day there has never been a greater display of love or of God’s sovereign power.

Hardships & suffering are a few of the guarantees we have in this life. No matter which path we choose, the wide or the narrow, they’re going to come. How we handle them is up to us. We can try to justify ourselves by pointing an accusing finger at God. Or, we can look through the eyes of faith to the power & wonder of His sovereign control. We can accept our lack of understanding and lay down our lives to accept the opportunity to truly know Him, the only true God.

Just like when college freshman are looking at tuition costs and a future of student loan payments, talking about starting movements that involve countless numbers of people and have the power to change a nation means nothing out of context. It’s just abstract numbers and figures until you get here and put your hand to the plow. I can come here carrying all the vision & inspiration in the world, but it doesn’t do much to influence the hearts of those I’m trying to reach. Unless, of course, they catch it. Unless something moves within their heart, I could spend my lifetime here and not see a single thing change.

This is a revelation that I have every year; I don’t have the power to save a man’s soul. Me, with all my eloquent words & fine presentation skills (thanks to tuition money well spent) can’t open a persons heart. My first year I was filled with excitement and anticipation. I’d switched careers from insurance underwriter to “savior of the nations.” I got off the plane running, on my way to save all of Asia in 9 months or less, only to hit the brick wall of human apathy. I was sharing an amazing and life changing message only to be shocked by people’s doubt and/or indifference. And then last year I saw lots of my friends accept Christ, only to see them hibernate in the library for months at a time studying for a test but not be willing to crack open their Bibles a few times a week. 

So what can I do? I’m sure there’s always a cubicle somewhere waiting with my name on it. I could just take myself out of this cycle of vision, inspiration, brick wall. But where does a decision like that leave God’s sovereignty? I’ve said it lots of times before; God’s heart beats for the lost. If I was to lay my head upon His chest, I’d hear the quickening sound of “that none should perish.” This message of hope & good news is going to reach the world, with or without me. So why not with me?

I was reading about Esther’s story today and was so surprised by something her uncle said to her when she was hesitant to go to the king on behalf of her people. Relief and deliverance for the Jews was going to rise from somewhere whether she acted or not. It’s the same today; God is going to move whether I choose to be a part of it or not. So why spend life being discouraged by the “impossible?” Christ died so that all might know Him, so that none should perish. His death wasn’t in vain or a last ditch effort. God wasn’t looking down at Jesus with His fingers crossed saying “Well, here goes nothing.” He knew what He was doing then, and He knows now. He was making it possible for all men to live in a place of victory. I serve the God of the impossible. And in any and all circumstances, whether living out my days in a cubicle or at the ends of the earth, I can hold onto this hope for all; Christ in you, the hope of glory.

I remember when I first returned to Asia last fall for my second year it was like I was coming home. It seemed so great to be back. And even with all the ups and downs of the year, I had a hard time readjusting to life in America when I got back for the summer. But now the honeymoon phase is definitely over. Somewhere between May & August I must have rediscovered the joys of living in America, because now all I can think about is how much greener the grass is. I mean, what’s not to like?! Having my family and all the people I care most about right there? The convenience of being able to drive my car anywhere I need to go? Being able to clearly communicate with people? Clean, fresh air? Not being surrounded by billions of people? Nope. Turns out I like all those things.

I keep coming back to the same old questions; why am I here again, when I could be doing almost anything else with my life? Why does it have to be me? Why can’t I just do what I want to do and have things the way that I want them to be? I’m definitely not doing this because God needs me here. He could find a million people who could do just as good of a job as me, if not better. And it’s not because God needs me to do Him a “solid.” He doesn’t need favors from anyone. The only thing that I can think of, and the only thing that makes sense, is that love is never easy. If it was, I’m sure Jesus would have just stayed put and skipped the whole life on earth thing. And He definitely would have passed on going to the cross. But as hard as it was, and as much of a sacrifice as it was, He did it. Because He loves us. Because we’re worth it to Him. Because the only way to save us from ourselves was to go through all the inconvenience, all the pain, and all the suffering. Love doesn’t mean that you always get what you want. Christ asked if there could be another way, and when there wasn’t, He chose to obey. Love is always a sacrifice and will always cost you something.

All love originates from God. It’s simply what He is. So love is about what He desires and what He has planned. It’s about the burdens of His heart. It’s about what and who He loves. And because He loved me first, my only response, the only one that would make any sense at all, is to love Him back with all my heart, mind, and soul. True love for Him is never going to be about what I want or what I think is best.

I don’t understand why things are the way they are. I don’t understand why my life turned out the way that it did or why it seems so hard at times. And I don’t need to, because I do know that a life that revolves around what I want and what I think is best is one void of the purity of His love and is not the life that Christ died to give me. And it’s definitely not one worth living. So maybe the grass isn’t really greener on the other side.