Learning How to Receive

And that’s where God’s healing touch entered into the picture. As a result of that selfish action, I learned two things firsthand: I’m a sinner who is wicked and God’s grace goes further. After multiple apologies and guilt still consuming me, I heard God whisper, “I’ve forgiven you, but have you forgiven yourself?” Oh snap! Our salvation belongs to the Lord and He cleanses us of unrighteousness, but it involves us first believing that His Word is true. So often I find that I want to punish myself for the junk and sin I commit, but “blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:1-2). Yeah, I need to take a breather and ask, “say what?” each time I read those verses. God calls us blessed when we turn to Him seeking forgiveness and that’s the freedom we walk in because of Jesus’ redemptive power. Receive that goodness!

The Surprising Times

Another topic I discussed with this friend after our initial fiasco was recognizing how the Lord transformed us in this season. When I don’t respond as I usually would in difficult (or any for that matter) circumstances, I scratch my noggin and wonder, “this is a new territory for me. I’m confused as to how I reacted as I did.” And this is what Paul expresses in Romans 7:18: “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” But that’s precisely the point God wants me to understand: it’s not me at all who responds out of love, patience or kindness, but Christ within me! And with that in mind, I must once again choose to believe that this is true. I can’t do anything good, but by the power and grace of Christ, I am “more than [a] conqueror through Him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). So, by golly, I believe that sin and death no longer have a grip on me and because Jesus defeated the grave, I stand in victory over the lies and insecurities. Goodness gracious! I’m getting all hyped up just typing this out … Praise the Lord!

Turning to Him

I just realized this, but I’ve been talking about myself this entire update … But this is the last bit about me. Promise. Okay, so I’m discovering that I’m an intensely emotional person. I allow my feelings to completely consume me. Thus, God is teaching me a thing or two about surrendering my mind to Him. This involves me taking a deep breath and looking to God first, as opposed to riding on impulse. In addition, it means remaining obedient to what God tells me rather than swaying with what my emotions speak to me. And the Lord led me to a story about obedience and following Him all the way through His commands. It was about a man of God who listened only in part to Him (1 Kings 13). As a result of his disobedience, a lion killed the man as he traveled home. You didn’t suspect that type of ending did you? Nor did I, but it speaks to following through with what God says instead of rationalizing. I want to listen to every bit of what God says and respond accordingly.

Snowmen and Trees

Now that you are well aware of every detail I’ve been thinking about recently, let’s talk about friends. On Wednesday, we hosted a “hand-off” party so that we could meet the girls that the American team met during their stay. Everyone piled in our apartment to decorate snowmen and Christmas trees as well as hear the Good News. Shana and Calli spoke in English while a friend translated so that everyone could understand. I loved watching those three girls boldly share in an apartment packed with girls! They stepped outside their comfort zones and leaned into God in order to tell the Christmas story despite nervousness. What a joy to see those three following through and stepping up to the plate! Our friends responded politely, exclaiming what an “inspiring story” they told about Jesus. But that only begins to describe Christ and His love. We want decisions! We want each and every girl to jump in jubilee, shouting, “yes! I believe that Jesus is my Savior!” And that’s our prayer: God, reveal Yourself to Your children walking in darkness. Bring them home into Your loving embrace and consume them with Your grace! We cry out for our friends who know about You, yet haven’t taken the leap of faith to put their lives into Your hands. Lift up both our friends and sisters; may they hunger to seek after God even though we’ll be traveling in the coming weeks. We trust You, Abba!

The Trouble with Expectations
I set some high standards in regards to who I enjoy spending time with; it just so happened that I found that challenge and excitement in the visiting team, but I began comparing that with the community already established in the city. I noticed more flaws than encouragement within my team, which fostered a desire to only spend time with the short-term kids. Big no-no! After sulking in my pride for a number of days, I decided to let go of that burden and ask for forgiveness from the group. It’s a choice to pursue righteousness and I all too often throw a temper-tantrum when I’m not getting my way. Yet, the only person I thought about when I felt dissatisfied and frustrated was myself. I wanted people to challenge and fill me instead of allowing Jesus to transform me into a leader who uplifts and encourages others. And this, my friends, is the fruit of self-centeredness: junk. Ugh, pride. Whenever I sense that nasty bugger swell up inside me, I cry out, “do nothing out of rivalry and conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Honestly, I have no idea how to do that, but the Cross sheds light on Who can work in me. I’m confident God’s calling me to seek Him out as my spiritual leader as opposed to other people. When someone first pointed this out, that truth knocked the wind out of me. What a beautifully challenging place to be! I’m discovering what it truly means to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).

The Freedom in Confession
And it’s been a couple weeks since I last mentioned Dietrich Bonhoeffer so I figure it’s about time to bring him back up (and I got another book by him for Christmas), especially on the issue of confession and community. In his work Life Together, Bonhoeffer describes how we can dare to sinners, accept our imperfect nature and live in grace through the blood of Christ. What freedom! When we lower our expectations of what we’re capable of doing on our own and instead seek the One who is perfect, peace and love flow through us. Once we begin to understand ourselves through the shadow of the Cross, Papa also reveals the insurmountable glory of His grace in Jesus. And then we see others through God’s eyes instead of our own; in Christ, we celebrate our salvation as a community, a family, a church. I bring this subject up because living among the same eight people over the course of nine months weighs on you. We must choose His Kingdom over our own comforts; we do this by submitting everything to God and asking Him to fill our hearts with joy for His children. In my circumstances, that involved me seeking to build up our city family rather than holding onto expectations for the team to meet my needs. This took me apologizing for harboring ill feelings and receiving forgiveness from God as well as my friends.

Witnessing Transformation
I tag-teamed with two close friends, one of whom God used to introduce me to ministry abroad. Thinking back to February when God first put Asia on my heart and now sharing the Good News with her alongside me filled my soul with joy. And this wasn’t any ordinary conversation. No, not at all. We spent three and a half hours sitting around our lunch table answering a friend’s questions about a personal relationship with Jesus. She asked incredible questions, ranging from “how God views women” and “what does the Bible mention about politics and government?” Although I felt winded after that marathon conversation, God renewed my spirit in sharing about Him. It’s life-giving and the Holy Spirit guides us through; we’re not relying on our own strength or knowledge. Each time we answered another question, we all saw her wrestling with God’s truth and what she’d been told her entire life. There was a war within, the battle between the flesh and life. Lucca and I witnessed something similar with our friends at English Corner as we sang songs and shared the deeper meaning of Christmas. Praise the Lord for inviting us to see His Kingdom come!

The Big Ship
On Christmas day, we celebrated not only as Americans (with a Singaporean and a Brazilian in the mix), but also with our Asian siblings. We crammed into the boys’ apartment to rejoice in our Savior’s birth. Lost and found, we all sang carols, shared testimonies and celebrated Jesus. Christmas completely centered on Christ this year more so than I ever experienced. Without all the materialism and confusion as seen in America often times, God reigned in that house. I also got the opportunity to talk with a few Asian sisters I never met before. Let me tell you, hearing their stories gave me the Holy Spirit bumps. They’re passionate about seeing their nation transformed and one of their close friends accepted Christ that night. So beautiful to see children return home! Praise Him 

Hiding Out
A major change I noticed in myself this past week is that I’ve wanted to get away. Spending time with the team takes its toll on me and I’m always itching to be by myself. By no means am I saying this is a good thing, but I want to strike the balance between the two extremes; I don’t want to seclude myself but I also enjoy the quiet place with God away from people. I also found myself defensive about my personal space. For example, instead of hanging out with the group, I decided to spend an evening with God. When I later saw the whole group, to say goodbye to the short-termers, one person announced, “Colleen, you missed out on …” Needless to say, I didn’t appreciate that comment because I chose to get away with the purpose of resting in God’s presence. Yet, at the same time, I didn’t know why someone saying that revealed such strong emotions. I discussed this feeling with my mentor who challenged my intentions: was I getting away purely for quality God time or to prove a point? That’s when God reminded me of Peter asking Jesus, “what about this man?” to which Christ responded, “what is it to you? You follow me!” (John 21:21-22). I compare myself to others all too often, which distorts my vision of how God’s moving in my own life. It’s a matter of choosing the Lord’s purpose for me than desiring my own way or what He’s doing in another person’s life. Holy Spirit, break this need to compare everything; I’m satisfied in Your presence alone!

A Hunger for Papa
I started reading “A Hunger for God” by John Piper earlier this week and I’m gaining a clearer understanding of fasting. Piper states this hunger for the Lord is “faith is a spiritual feasting on Christ with a view to being so satisfied in Him that the power of all other allurement is broken” (42). Now that’s more powerful than not eating or giving something up to make a statement that I can withstand the pressures on my own. Fasting claims, “I can live without other things, but I can’t live without Jesus.” That’s the intimacy I crave! I desire to “decide to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Cor 2:2). I want the reality to sink deep into my being that He is all I need.

The Art of Worship
Now this is by far the greatest way God’s stretching me: what does it mean to worship Him with my life? Playing instruments and singing certainly don’t come naturally to me, but God’s nurturing a passion within to sing out to Him. This summer, God whispered to me, “I’ve written a song upon your heart.” And now, I want to sing that song out for Him, but I have no idea what words or chords He’s mixing together. Whenever lyrics come to mind, I jot them down, but I’ve never done anything like this before. God, may I not seek after perfection in singing out the song You’ve written on my heart, but rather desire to worship You with my life. All else is an overflow of Your love for me!

“I’ve never seen a real snowflake”
We celebrated Christmas once again by hosting a snowflake party with five university girls. God put “snowflake” on my heart as the activity to do with our friends. It so happens that Lucca decorated our tree with paper snowflakes the day before. Thus, two beautiful things occurred at our party: I shared about how God created us uniquely as He does with snowflakes because no one is the same and it no longer looks as though the Grinch stole Christmas because our tree is now fully decorated! We enjoyed cookies and milk, sang Christmas songs (in English and the local language) and shared how Jesus transformed our hearts. God, we trust that you’re moving in our friends’ souls; we want them to receive the free gift of salvation that Jesus offers. Shine upon them, God!

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello
As mentioned before, the Asian short-term team left earlier in the week and we welcomed Cherie’s team who’s staying until the end of the month. Now Cherie, alongside of an amazing married couple, first told me about God’s heart for Asia in February; ten months later, we praised Him for the opportunity to reach the lost together. Incredible! Not only that, but God stacked the team Cherie brought over; I campus blitzed with two college girls and felt so encouraged because both desired to see the area I’m working on transformed by Christ. Their hunger and enthusiasm to share the Good News fanned the flame within me to tell everyone about Jesus. And we did! That day, God put nine new friends in our lives, all of whom now know about our Savior because we shared of the life given to those who believe. God, invade our friends’ souls with your everlasting love. Our desire for them to know comes from Your love for each and every one of Your children. God, we want all to know about You! Bring Your children home; may they choose to surrender their lives to You!

Awareness
In light of this message, I’ve been coming face-to-face with my sinful and wicked nature. During those times when I’m wrestling with the fact that I’m imperfect, I don’t want to be around anyone; it’s my defense mechanism so that no one can see who I truly am. Silly, right? Yet, God ushers me back into the presence of the Body of Christ to receive forgiveness in humility. Oh, but it’s never makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I confess, but sensing God’s grace consume me afterwards is beautiful! On a similar note, it’s all too easy to get swallowed up by sin instead of turning away from darkness and choosing God. That’s the goodness of the Good News! Despite my flesh and evil ways, Jesus still died for me (Romans 5:8); that’s the story of our lives if we choose to believe it! We must keep choosing to receive that glory; His mercies our new for us each morning (Lam 3:23)! So in a strangely delightful manner, God making me aware of my wickedness helps me appreciate His grace in a greater, more profound way. I’m desperate for His love to flood my soul; I need God more than anything else!

As mentioned last time, a team from another Asian country joined us this week to blitz the campus with Jesus. And that’s exactly what we did Wednesday. Two of them, Wen Li and Ben, joined us on the Island for the day; our adventure included tandem biking, enjoying milk tea and talking to anybody and everyone who smiled at us. For a good portion of the day, we spent our time with two friends, May and Faith, who we shared with over Thanksgiving. At the time, neither seemed curious about Jesus, but viewed the story as “inspiring.” That day, however, we shared with them again over lunch and Faith gravitated toward the Bible, eager to hear more stories. From this point on, Lucca and I decided to get excited about our friends who don’t initially show interest (not that we’re not enthusiastic about the others who are) because we’re that much more aware of the fact that God’s the One changing their hearts. And that’s our hope for each and every one of the girls we’ve met. After a full and joyful day, we headed back home exhausted yet rejoicing at the new friends God put us in touch with as well as seeing Him transform hearts over time. We also have a number of friends who are interested in God and close to accepting Jesus; we’re asking big things from the Holy Spirit knowing that He’s faithful to answer us because that’s what He wants as well. God, pierce our friends’ souls to long for You alone; we put our schedule into your hands so that You’re leading the way. Thank You for inviting us to see You move in others’ lives, Abba!

“I need a nap after that ..”
This is always what I find myself saying whenever Coda and I spend time together. I’ve only known this girl since Thanksgiving, but I’m confident that God’s growing both of us in beautiful ways through our sisterhood. God’s allowing me to experience what a relationship completely centered upon Him is truly like through Coda. I walk away from our hangouts encouraged and hungering for God more so than before. We discuss what God’s teaching us through His Book, worship with our guitars and lift one another up in prayer each time we’re together. When He’s my sole (and soul, pun!) desire, all else falls into place as He wants and I’m content in His grace as opposed to the things of this world. God, thank you for filling us up with your presence and also blessing us with brothers and sisters who point us back to You.

“This is church, ladies!”
On Sunday, we hosted a cookie-baking party with two friends, one a sister and the other oh so close. We read the Bible together and hearts opened up as we shared with one another. Afterwards, I exclaimed, “This is church, ladies!” It’s different, but beautiful to see God show up.

What I Believe About Myself

A curious thing I discovered this week: I choose to believe what I think about myself. Am I seeking the Word for my identity or am I choosing to believe the enemy’s lies? God filled the Bible with His promises and overwhelming love for us, yet I let myself be deceived. Instead, I must “put off the old self with its practices and [put] on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col 3.9-10). It’s a process, a choice to pursue righteousness and allow Jesus to cloak me in His glory. That’s the assurance I gain in Christ: I’m precious in His sight, not by anything of my own doing, but because He chose me. Why settle for anything less when He freely offers the gift of life?

Decked Out December
It’s true; a great deal is happening in this month. I don’t think I can even properly express what December holds in store for us. Our leaders laid out a rough schedule for us this morning; it’s packed with little wiggle room. I must admit that I got all fired up in thinking about God’s plans for this city and the students that fill the universities here. ‘Tis the season! And we’re hosting two short-term teams for a good portion of the month. Their plan: full out campus blitzing in Jesus’s name! We’ll tag-team with them and show them the ropes. I’m excited to welcome brothers and sisters to share in God’s heart for GZ! That also means our group’s size will double over night. Talk about God sending more laborers! There’s a harvest out there, folks, and God’s manning us up to reap the goodness. Think of the GZ family in this time as we invite people into our hearts and homes; God, thank you for encouraging us in this season as we celebrate You! Grow our family!

Love and Obedience

I quickly recognized that John adores writing about obedience in his letters. Check out this mouthful: “God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him” (1 John 4.16). True story. He just used one word three different times in the same sentence; that, in my mind, speaks volumes about the importance of obedience. If I break it down logically, abiding in God translates into abiding in love to which God honors by abiding in us. Any questions surrounding how to love on God? In addition, he attests to the blessings of God’s love through Jesus: “but if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1.7). Not only do we understand true fellowship with one another through God’s grace alone, but also we receive forgiveness in walking with Him. Those are some serious promises! What John mentions, though, is that those are by-products compared to the knowledge and relationship we have in Jesus. Whoa! Just got the Holy Spirit-bumps.

Just Relax
Confession: I’m a tense person. I have a tendency to blow things out of proportion and take things way too seriously. Thus, soaking in God’s presence and relaxing don’t come naturally. It takes practice for me to sit still. My discipler, said during our time together this week that, “there’s a reason why we’re called human beings not human doings.” Clever, right? I thought so too. How do I simply be instead of defining myself by what I do? That’s the question I’m wrestling with now. To clear my head, I took a walk, eventually finding a place to lie down and rest. When peering up at the lush tree (because the leaves don’t change colors here) that shaded me, I recalled a sermon I heard last fall about trees: they’re beautiful because they’re being that which they were created to be. And that’s God’s heart for each of us; to accept and walk confidently as the child whom He created us to be. My soul longs and hungers to seek out God’s perspective of me. Who am I in your eyes, God? Fill me up with Your vision of me!

A Really Long, Hot Bath
And then came Thanksgiving. We headed out of town for some breathing room, making our way to a spot well known for its natural hot springs. I pictured us chilling in mud baths out in the middle of nowhere. Well, I was correct about one thing: it’s out in the middle of nowhere, but it was located at a sweet resort. After taking a bus for two hours out of the city, we hopped into our bathing suits and took a dip in the big jaccuzis filled with such items as coffee, rose pedals and sulfur. I didn’t realize how much I missed taking baths until we spent our Turkey Day taking the longest bath ever. Believe it or not, but I lounged in the hot springs for seven hours and enjoyed it. Then came fireworks and the famous local chicken. Different Thanksgiving experience, but delightful all the same!

Breaking Expectations
In the midst of spending time in a natural jacuzzi, I realized that my expectations aren’t accurate. And the same goes with any notions I had for my time in Asia. I feel confident in saying this: it’s wonderful to witness my expectations crumble so that God replaces it with something far greater. God loves watching His children surrender their ideas, so that He can give in such a way that surpasses anything we could possibly come up with on our own. True story. He showed up big time during our vacation, showering me with grace and rest. I found that sitting still for a while allows God to minister to my heart and studying the Bible opens my eyes to God’s faithfulness. Reading Ruth uncovered gems about redemption; listening to a podcast on courtship revealed the importance of preparation and enjoying His presence instead of only focusing on God when we want something; worshiping on a whim with the group encouraged praising God simply because He’s our wonderful heavenly Father. Good stuff, right?

Turkey Day at the Fountains
Then after two delightful days at the hot springs, we journeyed back to the city to enjoy a true Thanksgiving celebration (turkey included). We spent the afternoon at the Fountains, surrounding ourselves with the largest number of foreigners since arriving in Asia. I quickly connected with a handful of women and hearing their love for the Lord got me all fired up for the holiday season. I felt comfortable knowing that my relationship web spread out a bit more after an evening in a church community. I’m more at home when I have multiple social circles, so meeting new people opened that door wider. Such a blessing!

The Number 40
Remember that challenge I hinted at in my last letter home? Forty is significant in that. God asked me to fast speaking with my best friend from December 1 until we next see each other as roomies during our trip to Thailand in January (aka 40 days). That certainly caught me off guard, but He’s confirmed His plans through the Bible by leading me through stories including the number forty, such as Jonah in Ninevah and Jesus with the enemy’s temptations in the wilderness. God also guided me to David’s triumph over Goliath as a source of encouragement (1 Sam 17). The giant challenged the Israeli army every morning and evening for forty days before David came along. The struggle with co-dependency is my Goliath, the beast that comes to taunt and discourage me day and night. I want David’s confidence in God to fight my battle for me so that His glory is revealed! It’s an internal tennis match, a back-and-forth of emotions towards the fast; at times, I flip out thinking, “what am I getting myself into?” while at other moments I’m excited to share in such intimacy with God for a season. I wrestle in this weakness and I need your prayers because this is difficult for me, but my heart’s desire is to remain obedient to God with my life. I feel like a hot mess right now, yet I trust in God’s faithfulness; I’m choosing Him, depending upon Him, desperate for Him. Lord, you’re good to your children; thank you for slaying the Goliaths in our lives. We praise your name above all!

The “What If?” Zone
This is a dangerous place for me. As soon as the hypotheticals get thrown around, I’m off in a daze trying to configure the most ideal and pleasing situation for myself. Being such an avid fan of “Scrubs,” I relate to Zach Braff’s character J.D. considering he’s always flashing from one imaginary scenario to another. It’s a fun waste of time, but it only leads to ungratefulness in my heart when such things don’t actually make their reality debut. Such questions as, “what if I lived in C-town? Wonder what partnering with such-and-such would look like …” I battled over control of my thoughts and mind this week, especially after seeing some besties days earlier. I’m returning to God constantly to remind me why He brought me here specifically and surrounded me with the other five kids in GZ. I’m learning more about saying thank you instead of requesting more gifts or desiring to return those that I don’t acknowledge as the blessings they truly are.

In Sickness and in Health
What makes this week all the more troublesome is that I started feeling feverish the day after we returned to GZ while going for a stroll by the Pearl River. Eagle and I stopped for a minute when the cold and hot waves began. I ended up crawling into bed and conking out until that evening. No fun. Plus in those times of sickness you want nothing more than a giant hug (multiple at that) from your parents. That’s the best remedy by far, but not readily accessible given my situation. Fortunately, Lucca took care of me in the midst of my tears and crazy talk, but it was a wild journey to recovery. By that night, I no longer held a fever because of God’s healing touch! Praise the Lord.

Discipleship
The following day after my fever subsided, I visited my friend for my first Asia discipleship time. Let me tell you, she spared no time diving into the deep questions; I loved the challenge and the Bible focus! By no means was the wisdom she handed off to me easy to digest, but I appreciated her encouraging me to process things through. Our conversation headed multiple directions, discussing perfectionism, loving others and rest. I’m grateful that she opened her heart to share with and uplift me.

Do I Have to, God?
We’re about to enter a major season. I can feel it. I know it. Especially given the beautiful things God’s putting into motion (and our involvement in it), He placed a rather difficult and trying challenge on my heart. I must admit, I didn’t like it one bit to begin with, but He’s guiding me through Jonah, 1 Corinthians 10, Isaiah 6 and Daniel to confirm His plans and purpose through this time. I can only see this year slipping through my fingers (and it doesn’t help that I have no sense of time because it’s 80 degrees at the end of November); the rest of this year will go by faster than the first three months. He’s drawing me into greater intimacy with Him, but it requires sacrifice. This pinches my independence and comfort. It’s funny to ask for a deeper understanding of God and immediately want to retract my desire at the first sign of discomfort. Just goes to show our desperate need to call out to Him in all things.

In a Funk, but got to Dunk
Overcoming sickness and feeling weak for a couple days gives you the opportunity to (attempt to) sit still. I recognized my routine overflows with activity and when I can no longer do those, I feel out-of-sync. Curious that my schedule determines how I feel. Plus, a close friend named Tulip felt God call her home to her family during this time. The news knocked the wind out of me! She’s my go-to-speak-the-truth-when-you-need-it girl. Missing her already! Yet, despite my struggles to stay afloat in these emotional currents, God broke through in the form of a kiddie pool; we baptized our first sister Sunday night! The pool took up every nook and cranny of our all-in-one shower/toilet/laundry room, but it made for a cozy setting. She borrowed a Duke shirt (I can already sense some jokes flying my way about that) and soccer shorts before jumping right into the pool. We spent a couple minutes explaining the proper positioning, leaving her confused, so I joined the festivities with her. The greatest joy was saying her name and declaring her baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I cherished witnessing Susie’s smile spread across her face as she emerged from the water a new daughter in God. Praise the Lord for her eagerness! She repeated, “I’m going to remember this day forever” over and over again. Pray over her growth and connection to God in this time. She’s a special sister in my heart!

Word Vomit
Pleasant description, right? Well, I’m a verbal processor, which means that I talk through what’s going on in my heart. I benefit from this because when I say something out loud, I often realize how ridiculous it sounds and ask for forgiveness. However, within a bunch of non-confrontational people, sharing what’s happening inside of them doesn’t produce warm and fuzzy feelings; I’m the only one who wants to fix something when I feel as though it doesn’t feel right. Yes, you may call this impulsive. It’s accurate. When Monday rolled around and we started tallying up points, I asked if we could discuss the competition as a group. And then the floodgate of my emotions flew wide open. I honestly didn’t know the extent to which I disagreed with the whole ordeal until I started talking. Oops .. Long story short, I sat down with my leaders and shared more in-depth what God had revealed to me through the experience. I learned a great deal on how to approach others when facing an issue to encourage conversation instead of unloading my emotions.

Quality Daddy Time
This week, the team set aside one hour each morning to spend time with Father God. I must admit, when the idea first presented itself, I saw all my personal time evaporate. I felt the only-child within me throw a temper tantrum: I wanted my space. Yet, to my surprise, that hour started my days off in God’s presence. He’s leading me through amazing Bible stories and applying them to my heart. God gave me a newfound appreciation of His Word. Quality time truly makes a difference, but we must choose to spend that precious time before Him.

Ask, He Listens
I love having a Godly woman discipling me. It hit me this past weekend how much I enjoyed talking things out with another woman. I didn’t realize how much I appreciate this woman until someone like her wasn’t walking with me on a week-by-week basis. Shout out to you, Ace! Love you, mean it homefry  Now that I got all my mushy-gooshy stuff out, here’s what I asked God for: a discipler. During the women’s retreat, I received counseling from a wonderful P31 woman with a sweet New Zealand accent. I enjoyed the brief time I shared with her and looked forward to her following up with me. Well that follow-up came sooner than expected: I asked God and He answered. On Tuesday afternoon, I stole away from the group and spent some time studying at Starbucks. Now this particular coffee-lover’s location attracts foreigners (myself included). As I made my way there I thought, “I wonder if I’ll see any of the women I met this weekend.” I had just picked up my vanilla latte when, sure enough, the lady I met at the retreat and three other ladies walked in after a birthday celebration. I took that as confirmation to ask her to mentor me. And she agreed (and even felt “honoured” that I asked). Praise the Lord!

My Plans, His Plans
Giving my plans and schedule up to God doesn’t come naturally. I must constantly surrender what I believe to be best in order to listen to Him. For example, we wanted to teach Wendy about baptism on Friday, but she came down with a fever. But then, in her absence, we met three new friends and bumped into two whose numbers we didn’t get the night before. God’s provision! Then, no one could meet on Sunday for baptism, but instead we met with Julie to discuss baptism further. In the conversation, she explained that she had shared with 10 people. Now that’s goodness! Getting on board with God’s timing helps me die to myself; I choose to trust that He knows best even when I can’t notice it yet. It’s all about flexibility and waiting upon God for the green light to move forward with plans. I’d much rather abide in Him through faith than steamroll ahead without His guidance.

The Encourager
I received an incredible message from a friend reminding me of God’s love for me. She spoke truth into my heart about my inviting and personally making people feel comfortable and that God had blessed me with that compassion and care. Whoa! Then I listened to a sermon on David and Abigail’s relationship, linked to speaking to Jesus within a person instead of how they’re acting. Rather than pointing out David’s attitude, Abigail approached him in humility and spoke to the king within, the man who God called him to be. Now that’s deep! Given the messages I received, I felt God nudging me to walk confidently as the encourager in which He created me. That means death to my pride and looking to my Father for the wisdom to seek Him in all things. So good!

Crazy story: our language teacher once contacted the Passion conference to share her testimony about how God transformed her heart; she became the spokesperson for this nation and how God moves every day. There’s an even cooler background story, but I’ll save that for another time. Where I’m going with this is a Louie Giglio talk from one of those conferences. Tears swelled up in my eyes as I listened to Giglio discuss the hope we live for even in the midst of suffering. His speech honestly rattled me. I experienced one of those end-of-intense-movie feelings of, “now that I watched that, how to I begin to process what just happened?” Giglio walked through the Word regarding encouragement in trial and hope in the shadow of the Cross. Tear jerker. Fo reals. God uncovered a bit more of the reality of why I’m here, following after Him in a foreign country that I had no intention of visiting (letting alone living in) until a couple months ago. No matter what the circumstances, I want to go to Jesus in everything. I desire consistency in wanting to seek after Him instead of only crying out when I’ve wound up with an emotional, spiritual or physical boo-boo. Giglio directed me to sit with the Bible and meditate on the truth revealed through God’s love letter to us. It’s invigorating to wait patiently on God to respond as opposed to asking something of Him and continuing to talk without giving Him the opportunity to speak. I’m gaining a deeper appreciate for the Bible; that’s the truth!

Every Time
After the Hallo-lejah experience, we’ve made a point to mention Jesus in every conversation. Going into a situation with the knowledge that we want to share has put a whole new perspective on Lucca and I’s relationship. We’re on the same page; we’re actively seeking that opportunity because we know it’s on both of our hearts to do so. Thus, we coined the phrase “every timin’ it.” Regardless of what direction the hang out sesh is going, we’re making sure that God’s involved. As we make our way to the Island for our quality time with friends, we began asking God, “Who do You want to share? When will You have us bring You up? What words do You want us to speak?” I love that our prayers transitioned from “we want this …” to a Q&A time. I’m learning about listening like never before. I see now why God wrote, “ask and you shall receive.” It’s funny how I mask a declaration or command by inserting the word “ask.” For example, “God, I ask You for this and that …” Yeah, that one caught me by surprise. Saying “ask” isn’t actually asking at all. He’s teaching me a lesson on using the 5 Ws and 1 H as well as making sure there’s a question mark at the end of my prayers. This also shines through in how I interact with others; I’m now more prone to ask a friend a deeper question and listen for the opportunity to discuss Jesus based on their response. Note to self: God relates to everything, including my friends’ lives. And they certainly dropped deep emotional bombs on us this week: a mother passing away a couple years ago, romantic interest in a self-destructive boy, self-worth issues. Yet, every time, God brings healing and opens doors to talk about His redemption. Praise the Lord!

The Balance

I didn’t realize until now, but I watched two quality podcasts this week thanks to iTunes. After celebrating a leader’s birthday at a Brazilian churrascaria (where I traumatized myself by how much I ate), I felt utterly exhausted. The day before we fit as much into 24 hours as we possibly could and I noticed that the aftershock left me running for cover. And behold, the title of the podcast: “You can’t handle it all.” True story. Once again, I grappled with what it means to rest, how to understand my role and call as a believer plus when to ask for help. Two examples hit this point home. One: cheetahs sprint faster than any other living animal, but if they run fast for too long, they die. Two: you don’t sit in a sports car and rev it up repeatedly or else you bust the engine. What do both these situations express? When you attempt to do too much in a short period of time, you wear yourself out completely. And this lesson worked nice and neatly into what I learned Saturday at the …

Women’s Retreat: the Fruit

Praise the Lord for ladies coming together to sing song and talk about God! The daylong conference focused on understanding our limitations and accepting them as God-given. So much exhaustion stems from doing too much when God desires us to remain satisfied in Him alone. Comparison and dissatisfaction arise when we don’t appreciate He who gives us life by choosing to find fulfillment elsewhere. Our lives reflect the fruit (or lack thereof) of those decisions. I admit, I’ve succumbed to measuring myself up against others based on how many people they know, who they’ve brought into the family or how active their social calendar is (improper ending to a sentence, I know). Yet, my identity doesn’t rest in any of those things; my life is in Him. I’d rather listen and obey, than plug my ears and steamroll ahead because I think this is what I should be doing or worse, just to have something to do. Everything operates in God’s timing and I want to be on His clock. Those eight hours with other sisters in the city clarified what my longing and purpose is not only here, but also for the remainder of my life: to seek out God’s heart and demonstrate my love for Him through obedience. That’s what I’m aiming for!

Disillusionment
Oswald Chambers always gets me in the gut with his devotional. My favorite writing of his focuses on disillusionment (July 30 for any other avid “My Utmost for His Highest” readers). Oswald expresses that when we place expectations of perfection upon other people, we destroy and distort relationships. Why? Because the only One who is perfect is God. We put impossible standards on people and they fail because we’re all sinners. To put it briefly, I’m a sucker for putting others on a pedestal. And when they fall (as they always do), I’m devastated, in disbelief that they could ever do such a thing. It’s silly but true and God taught me a good amount about how I do this all too often in friendships. Chambers writes, “our Lord trusted no man, yet He was never suspicious, never bitter,” which he traces back to John 2.24-25. It all comes back to the cold hard fact that we’re imperfect and in desperate need of a Savior. I long to view people through God’s eyes, realizing that what’s in man is wicked, but the blood of His Son atones for the junk. That’s why I have the ability to give and receive love; I want to see people for who they really are with the understanding that the only goodness within us comes from God’s grace.

The Tree Analogy
I have to give Lucca props for this analogy, which she actually snagged from a Madea play. I know, what better place to receive wisdom than from the same comedian who developed “grit ball?” However, that’s besides the point. Madea apparently used a tree to describe friendships and the seasons in which they occur. For example, the leaves remain beautiful for a time, but eventually fall away with the change of seasons. Then the twigs keep longer, but don’t hold the same weight as the branches, which stay true and consistent throughout. Now the trunk symbolizes our family and close friends who steady us. But God is the root system, giving us life and energy to flow into every other relationships. Whoa. Madea just shared that message!

Bonhoeffer
Now I must admit that I’m slightly obsessed with German theologian of the WWII era, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I recently started reading his biography after devouring his other works such as “Life Together” and “Cost of Discipleship.” Prepare yourself to read those bad boys because they’ll throw you for a loop. I’ll stop gushing before I really get going, but Bonhoeffer devoted his life to encouraging brothers and sisters to truly make a decision for Jesus as reflected through their lives instead of empty actions. He desired to witness the church rise up as one body, walking it out together. He challenged the Nazi regime and ultimately died for his radical faith and love of Jesus. Bonhoeffer understood“costly grace;” in fact he lived for receiving it. I’m deeply encouraged by this intelligent fella from Germany and the steps he took to seek intimacy with God, fueling a love for His children. It brings home the truth that what God revealed to Bonhoeffer is as accessible now as it was then. It’s a matter asking for and running after it …

Redefining Success
Which brings me to success. Before actually arriving in Asia, I took up this notion of going in, guns blazing with the Word and watching people fall at God’s feet at the sound of His name. Essentially, I focused entirely on the work instead of the worship. The tricky part comes down to this: when I set my worth upon what I do rather than Whose I am, I lose my bearings. Obedience and praise reflect our love of God, not how much muscle we put into tasks. And that’s the Good News. We couldn’t and can’t do anything to earn the honor of being His children. And that’s Jesus’s cue because He took all that we deserved upon the Cross. Nothing happens or occurs by my own hands, but in my weakness, God shows up. Needless to say, He continues to reveal that we lead lives of worship as a declaration of satisfaction in Him alone, not upon works. Goodness, I typed that out in one breath. I need to come back up for air.

Asian Style Soccer
On a lighter note, I finally found the soccer fields that light up in the distance of our apartment complex. We saw them out of the other girls’ window, but couldn’t navigate our way there. Thus, we travelled as a pack on the lookout for the hidden soccer complex. After about an hour of wandering, a local school security guard led us through a backyard into the soccer area. My face lit up when I saw a short-sided game taking place. We watched one game which I found quite hilarious; let’s just say that people here play a different style of game which includes decent footwork, but off-target shooting (aka lots of soaring soccer balls). And certain sideline habits such as smoking, drinking tea and wearing fanny packs made for a colorful scene too. In that moment, I wanted to grab my cleats and jump in the game. I’m in the process of convincing the boys to join me for an evening of soccer as I work off some excessive athletic energy after a couple of months without stepping foot onto a field.