Have you ever been in a season where everything seems hopeless? You are wondering what God is doing why you are suffering? Maybe a family member is suffering or passed away. Maybe you or your spouse lost a job. “God where is the money going to come from? How am I going to provide for my children,where are you?!?”

If I am being honest over the past 10 months I have had some ups and downs with God. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Times when I am like I don’t want to talk with you. I don’t need your input. You have done enough. Other times when I am like Lord I can’t move from this secret place with you. I need you with me all day every day. Being in communication with Him all day long like He is right here next to me.

I don’t usually share my deep inner thoughts with people but I felt compelled to go deep. Go to a whole new level. It was like God was saying “Bambam it’s time to let people into the raw stuff. The ways I am healing, growing and using you. Be real.be honest. Be open.”

Doing what God has called us to do even when we aren’t enjoying the process. As you may know, I washoping to be back in Asia by April, but the Lord had other plans. At first I was ok, kind of mentally preparing myself for the worst. But it wasn’t until I talked with my leaders about what’s next. It hit me! Iam not leaving for Asia yet! Waves of emotion came over me. I felt unworthy, not good enough, unqualified, left out. All my insecurities came to the surface. Some of my thoughts were God what are you doing? Where are you? Why me? When is this going to get easier? Maybe I am not even supposed tobe here who I am kidding. I don’t have a Bible education, I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. Clearly I am unqualified. But we all know this is just the enemy using my weakness trying to get in my head. Trying to get me to give up! I am not a quitter!!

Now the good part you have been waiting for. God speaks: God comes into the darkest deepest parts of my soul. He speaks to me like no other person has ever spoken. He comes to me with such patients. He speaks my language. It doesn’t matter where I am, what I am going through. My God comes through for me every time. He sees the real me. God knows me better than I know myself. He sees the good when I see the bad. He calls me His daughter. There is something so special when He says that. It makes me feel truly loved. I long to have this intimate relationship with the Lord the rest of my life. Not just in season but out of season too.

James 1:2-8 2  Count it all joy, my brothers, [a]  when you meet trials of various kinds, 3  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 5  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.  6  But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.  7  For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord;  8  he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

God I just pray and ask that you open our eyes today. Help us to see what you see. In ourselves but also in those around us. God I pray that you transform and renew our minds. Give us a hunger for your word. I want to go deeper and deeper with you Lord. I never want to stop growing into the women of God you have called me to be. God I ask that you just meet us right where we are at. Speak to the things deep inside us. The dark places no one else knows.