I want to be really transparent and vulnerable with all of you. Lately I’ve been really worried about what God has next for me. Overly worried. So much so that it’s been causing me all types of anxiety, keeping me up at night, and messing with my thought life and my emotions. I just don’t want to live a mediocre life. I can’t picture myself working a 9 – 5 job for the rest of my life and then retiring. (Not bashing anyone who has done or is currently doing that) I just know deep down that there’s more for me. I know it as surely as I know I’m a Christian. I’ve felt a call to ministry most of my life. I’ve had various words spoken over me when I was little that I would travel the world, preach, and bring hope to the lost. I know the passions and desires that God has placed in my heart for music, writing, travel, and living my life completely surrendered unto Him.
However, there are still parts of me that are holding back from truly going all in for God. There’s still pieces of my life and my heart that I’m afraid to fully lay down, because it might mean heading down a certain path that God wants me to go down that I don’t personally like. I know this way of thinking is wrong. I know that what God has is what’s best for me, and the only way to experience true freedom is to fully surrender all of me unto His glory and purposes. I know all of this, and yet I still hold back from doing so. I still resist. I was thinking a lot today about why this is. I was talking to one of my close friends today and she asked me “What do you fear?” and I told her the same thing I am telling you all now. I fear the unknown. I fear uncertainty. I fear what’s next.
Today was my day off. I spent most of the day listening to various sermons, and spending time with God. I felt him speak to me about something through the sermons I was listening to, the praying I was doing, and His word, and that is the beauty of uncertainty. It’s ok to not know. You don’t have to have everything figured out. God holds the future. God knows what’s next, and that should be good enough. The beauty of uncertainty is that it produces faith. Not knowing pushing you closer to the one who knows everything. I may not know what’s supposed to come tomorrow, but I know the one who holds tomorrow. I may not know where I’m supposed to go to next, but knowing where I came from puts everything into perspective. I may have my personal plans for what’s to come, but how much greater are the plans that He has for me?
I write this update to you to be open and let you all know that it’s ok to not know. Maybe you’re in a season of your life where you don’t know what’s to come. You’ve prayed about it, sought after God, and the path to what’s next still seems unclear. Me too. And that’s ok. We know the creator of the universe. The one who takes us from glory to glory, who’s word is a lamp for our feet. All I know is that knowing him is enough. Sometimes you can be so worried about what God has next for you, that you miss out on what he is doing now. It’s possible to get to your next season and be unprepared for it because you missed out on what God was doing in your life the previous season.
I’m telling you what God spoke to me about today as clearly as He could. There’s a greater joy that you can experience NOW. Draw closer to Him. Really seek Him, daily. Like I need to continue doing. If you’re praying a lot that’s great but also make sure that you’re in the word just as much. If you’re in the word a lot that’s amazing, but make sure you’re praying just as much too. Praying and the Bible go hand in hand; it’s so easy to elevate one over the other, or not do one entirely. This is me. My struggle is that I pray way more than I am in God’s word.)
I wanted to write this update as an encouragement to my family, friends, and supporters. Thank you for blessing me, supporting me, and sending me on this amazing journey overseas to Asia. I’m still learning and growing. I still have my shortcomings, but I’m aware of them and I know that they’re going to change. I know that there’s a greater work that God wants to do in me that will be completed before my time is up here in Asia. I know some major fears and insecurities still need to break off of me before I head back home to America and by His power they are going to. Please be praying for me in this area, and I will continue praying for all of you as well.