The weight of an unresolved situation or big decision has potential to take over a large part of your life. You can’t stop thinking about it. Even when you’re working or eating dinner, your absent thoughts tend to wander toward the issue. Last year, I had a lot of peace when I made the decision to come back to Asia. But I also distinctly remember feeling that it would exponentially harder to make the decision a 3rd time. And it has been. Although my life has been going well, and I am also doing well, the decision about my future has been taking up most of my thought life, and it wasn’t exactly a bowl of joy.
I felt like a ton of confusion hit me. It wrapped around my heart like amnesia, and I lost hold of who I was, what I really wanted, or what God wanted. Dreams and passions I’ve had for years started slipping through my fingers, and I tried to hold onto them, but I couldn’t.
I’d had this idea that more than anything else, I wanted to be a world changer. I wanted my life to have a major impact in history. I didn’t even care what area I had the impact in until college when I began investing my heart in the abortion debate. I saw myself as *the one* to repeal Roe v. Wade someday.
Lord willing, I will have a part in that. But I realized that ultimately, I am not what I do. I am God’s daughter, and he shows me what to do because he loves me, he’s pleased with me and with my life, and that is never going to change. The impact I make is not the most important thing. The most important thing is that I am in love with Jesus. The second most important thing is that I love people. And from those two things lies the true ability to change the world.
Even though part of me desires to come home, I know that right now, this is where God wants me to be. I’ve decided to come back next year – but really, I’d like to stay here until I feel God clearly calling me onto something else. God is doing something really special on my campus and I feel really honored to be part of His plans here.
Please think of my family during this time – even as they are so supportive of me, I know that the implication of my decision is a little hard for us and it’s not easy to be away so long. I miss getting to see Alex grow up, spend time with my mom, sing with Jamie, and just be together.
Thank you all for supporting me so much – even though I haven’t written or shared the joys of what he’s been doing recently. I apologize for that. I have been so blessed by you guys this year – the letters you’ve sent, the financial support you’ve given, the prayers you’ve prayed. I feel it and I thank God for you!