When I decided to come to Asia, God told me that I would “be changed and be used.” When I was leaving home, this simple promise helped give me courage to walk forward into my new life. The process of change is something I really looked forward to. I knew that I would start to understand God in a new way, and that something awesome would happen to my heart.
What I didn’t understand was that the change wouldn’t always feel awesome. Over the last two weeks, I have really struggled over the pain from some events in my past.
I started asking myself why God let these certain things take place, and a real sadness settled in over me. Actually, a lot of my meetings this week fell apart because of it and I let it further separate me from the Lord. When I finally broke down about it, Mae prayed with me and helped me recommit this area of my heart. The next day, I was able to set up a meeting with Qiu for dinner and tea.
The first time I told you about Qiu was in my “Cinderella” blog a few weeks ago. We have continued to hang out regularly, and I’ve had several opportunities to share the truth with her, despite the fact that Qiu has been very forward with me about her atheism. However, when I met with her for dinner, she was open in a unique way; normally, when I mention God, she listens politely and then quickly changes the topic. But this time she pursued it and let me talk freely about my beliefs. And then she asked me a question.
“Autumn, I am wondering….has God ever let you down?”
Just yesterday I did in fact feel like God had let me down, and in a very big way. I had questions with no answers, pain with no justification; and despite all this, I felt the answer rise up in my heart.
Our eyes met as I looked up and said, “Qiu, God never breaks a promise. He is faithful.”
As the words passed through my lips, I knew that the question and the answer had not only been for Qiu. God wanted me to hear it, wanted me to say it, wanted me to know and remember that He loves me, that He would never abandon me, that He has rescued me, and that I am His.
I don’t have all the answers that I wanted, but I know that God can redeem any pain or adversity and that he is using all of me to glorify His name. Please thank God for his faithfulness to me and to all of us; that He is a God we can call on in our distress and rely on for our strength. Also, please pray for me, that I can trust and love Him more, and for any future time when I struggle over something, that I can go straight to Him instead of avoiding Him.